The effects of domestic violence reach far beyond the immediate victim.<\/p>\n
\u201cEvery member of our community is impacted in some way,\u201d says Abi McLane, assistant director of the Crystal Judson Family Justice Center in Tacoma.<\/p>\n
Friends, coworkers and family members who struggle to understand and support domestic violence survivors need help, too. That\u2019s why, in recognition of National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, the Judson Center has produced a campaign called \u201cTen Ways\u201d that provides guidance for those trying to help.<\/p>\n
Research shows that strong support systems are a significant factor in helping domestic violence survivors succeed. The Ten Ways are designed to be easy and manageable for anyone, regardless of financial means or education.<\/p>\n
Even if you don\u2019t currently know someone dealing with domestic violence, you never know when someone will confide in you, says McLane. That\u2019s why it\u2019s important for everyone to know and understand.<\/p>\n
The abuse dynamic is often based on the survivor\u2019s belief that they somehow cause the abuser to lash out. Even though it may seem obvious to you, it\u2019s important to remind them that\u2019s not true.<\/p>\n
\u201cThe abuser is responsible for their behavior and their choices,\u201d McLane says.<\/p>\n
\u201cIf they felt safe enough to talk to you, help them take the next step to talk to a professional,\u201d McLane says.<\/p>\n
Safety plans can be made for every situation, whether they stay or leave their abuser.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is hands down the hardest one,\u201d McLane says.<\/p>\n
If you insist they leave their abuser, that can isolate them from the help and support they need if they aren\u2019t ready to go.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s hard because you love them and you want what\u2019s best for them,\u201d McLane says. \u201cBut they might not leave and you cannot tell them they have to.\u201d<\/p>\n
Everyone knows something about abuse, even if it\u2019s just from reading posts like this. But don\u2019t assume you understand what is happening.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt\u2019s really important to authentically listen,\u201d McLane says. \u201cI\u2019ve been in this field for 10 years and I\u2019ve never heard the same story twice.\u201d<\/p>\n
Really listen to what is happening and what their concerns are.<\/p>\n
Because so much of abuse is about controlling the victim, \u201cletting them make their own decisions is huge in helping them feel like they can move forward,\u201d McLane says.<\/p>\n
Even small decisions can be very empowering. Resist the urge to step in and \u201cfix\u201d things. Instead ask them what they need and what their priorities are. You won\u2019t always understand their decisions, but you can help them make choices in a safe way.<\/p>\n
You never know when someone will get the courage to confide in you about their abusive relationship. It can be in the middle of a barbecue or on the sidelines of a kids\u2019 soccer game.<\/p>\n
If you can, put a pause on whatever is going on so you can really focus on them, McLane says. If they disclose at a time and place when it\u2019s impossible to give them your full attention, intentionally create another time when you can really talk.<\/p>\n
\u201cThis is a really hard one for most people because they\u2019re furious for their friends and family members,\u201d McLane says.<\/p>\n
You will also likely feel a sense of betrayal because you probably have a relationship with the abuser as well as the victim. But if you badmouth the abuser and they end up staying together or getting back together, it further isolates the survivor, McLane says.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt also puts the survivor in the weird space where they feel like they have to defend (the abuser),\u201d she says.<\/p>\n
Abusers are often very image conscious. If they start feeling that image being damaged, \u201cwhat can happen is they elevate in their violence toward the victim,\u201d McLane says.<\/p>\n
\u201cIt sounds so simple,\u201d McLane says. \u201cBut oftentimes people are baffled by what they are hearing.\u201d<\/p>\n
If your immediate response is disbelief, try not to express it.<\/p>\n
\u201cInadvertently people say things like, \u2018I don\u2019t believe it,\u2019\u201d McLane says. \u201cOften [survivors] have been told \u2018No one will believe you,\u2019 and that reaction reinforces it.\u201d<\/p>\n
Instead make sure you tell them, \u201cI hear what you\u2019re saying and I believe what you\u2019re saying.\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cWe had a woman who had more children than a five-passenger car could carry,\u201d McLane recalls. \u201cShe was totally isolated by the number of children she had.\u201d<\/p>\n
Finding her a van that would allow her to get all her kids somewhere by herself was a need no one would have recognized if she hadn\u2019t asked.<\/p>\n
Maybe they need someone to walk their dog or watch their kids while they visit a counselor or just have time alone to think. Whatever it is, you won\u2019t know until you ask.<\/p>\n
\u201cPeople often feel like they don\u2019t know what they can do,\u201d McLane says.<\/p>\n
That\u2019s why it\u2019s important to realize there is trained, professional help available.<\/p>\n
\u201cDon\u2019t overcommit and then burn out,\u201d McLane advises. \u201cDo it in a way that is safe for you emotionally and physically.\u201d<\/p>\n
Just as there is counseling and support available for survivors, there are programs available for those who are supporting survivors.<\/p>\n
If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, there are several agencies you can call for help:<\/p>\n
Crystal Judson Family Justice Center Helpline
\n253-798-4116
\n(8:30am to 4:20pm Monday-Friday)<\/p>\n
Counseling from MultiCare Behavioral Health Domestic Violence Services
\nOur staff offers direction, hope and solution-based therapy within a safe and confidential environment, plus a weekly support group.
\n253-445-8120<\/p>\n
YWCA Domestic Violence Helpline
\n253-383-3593
\n(24 hours)<\/p>\n
National Domestic Violence Hotline
\n1-800-799-7233
\n(24 hours)<\/p>\n","protected":false,"gt_translate_keys":[{"key":"rendered","format":"html"}]},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
In recognition of National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, the Crystal Judson Family Justice Center shares 10 ways to help survivors of domestic violence.<\/p>\n","protected":false,"gt_translate_keys":[{"key":"rendered","format":"html"}]},"author":315,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[15],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4503","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-community"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\n