Meltdowns & outbursts: How to help kids manage big emotions

Shouting, wailing, whining, door slamming and foot stomping — whether you’re a parent of a preschooler or preteen, you’ve likely witnessed your child display one or more of these challenging behaviors.

While outbursts and meltdowns may test your ability to keep your cool, they also mean your child is still learning how to manage, or self-regulate, their emotions.

“Knowing how to self-regulate our emotions is a skill that serves us across the lifespan,” says Kianna Carter, LICSW, supervisor of the youth engagement services (YES) program at MultiCare Mary Bridge Children’s. “But it’s not something we’re born knowing how to do — starting at a young age, it’s a skill that needs to be nurtured and practiced.”

Why self-regulation matters

First, what do we mean by self-regulation? When you self-regulate your emotions, you’re able to experience them and then respond to them in a way that supports the safety and well-being of yourself and others — in other words, without an outburst.

Our ability to effectively self-regulate our emotions affects nearly every aspect of life, from the quality of our relationships to our performance at work or school.

“Kids who are better able to regulate their emotions tend to have better impulse control and are better equipped to make and maintain healthy friendships,” says Sally McDaniel, LMHC, LMFT, SUDP, CMHS, clinical manager of Child & Family Services at Greater Lakes Mental Healthcare, part of the MultiCare Behavioral Health Network. “They also tend to bounce back more quickly after experiencing difficult emotions.”

Developing these skills doesn’t just yield short-term benefits. According to a practice brief published by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, stronger emotional regulation skills are associated with lower rates of substance use and violence, higher income, as well as decreased long-term health costs throughout life.

How to help kids regulate their emotions

It’s important for parents and trusted adults to take an active role in helping children learn how to regulate their emotions. Not only does it serve their long-term well-being, but it also serves yours — helping to cultivate a more peaceful household.

Below, explore strategies for supporting kids in developing this important skill.

It starts with you

When a child is melting down, you can’t help them if your own emotions are dysregulated (out of control). Losing your temper or jumping to correct the behavior is likely to make the situation worse. Instead, pause, breathe deeply and collect yourself before responding.

“Try not to take it personally — your child isn’t behaving this way on purpose,” McDaniel says. “The rational part of their brain that helps them control emotions isn’t fully developed yet, so they may need adult help to calm down and recover.”

Grounding techniques are tools you can use in the moment to help you remain calm so you can effectively help your child. Visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) for a list of simple grounding techniques to try.

Acknowledge and validate

In the midst of a meltdown, don’t try to reason with your child, McDaniel says. Instead, focus on being a calm presence. You could offer a hug or just let your child know that you are there and ready to talk when they calm down. Once they are more calm, acknowledge and validate how they’re feeling.

This may look differently depending on your child’s age. Younger children may need help identifying the particular emotion they’re feeling. With older children, you may need to focus more on listening and validating.

Examples of validating statements:

• I can see how frustrated you are that you can’t play video games.
• It must have really hurt your feelings when your friend said that.
• You’re right, it’s disappointing that we can’t go to the park today.
• You seem angry — do I have that right? I’d like to know more about why.

Reflect

After the meltdown has passed, take the opportunity to reflect on the situation. First, consider what was going on when your child melted down. Were you in a rush to get out the door? Was your child hungry or extra tired? What aspects of your routine could be adjusted to help reduce the likelihood of future meltdowns?

Second, depending on your child’s age, it can be helpful to reflect on the situation with them. It could be an opportunity to discuss why particular behaviors (like throwing toys) are problematic or talk through strategies that could help them calm down next time they get overwhelmed. Visit Parents with Confidence for a list of strategies.

“Around age 6-8 start to help children identify their triggers — the physical warning signs indicating they are becoming dysregulated,” Carter says. “Once they start recognizing these signs, it can make it easier for them to rein in their emotions before they become overwhelming.”

Talk about emotions regularly

Don’t wait for meltdowns to talk about emotions with your children — it should be a regular part of conversation in the household.

Read books with your children and talk about how the characters might be feeling. At the dinner table, take turns recapping specific events about the day and how it felt to experience them. Ask questions that get at specific emotions — for example, instead of asking “How was your day at school?” ask “Tell me one thing you got excited about at school today.”

As kids get older, McDaniel recommends starting to deepen their emotional vocabulary. For example, consider how “happy” can be further defined as “playful,” “inspired” or “peaceful.”

Visit the Center for Early Childhood Mental Health Consultation for more ideas about teaching kids about emotions.

Reinforce achievements

When children display appropriate responses to emotionally triggering events, it’s important to acknowledge them and offer positive reinforcement. For example, you might say something like “I really appreciated how you handled that situation” or “I know that was really frustrating — you showed a lot of patience.”

“I think as adults we lose touch sometimes with how hard it is to regulate our emotions,” Carter says. “We’ve had many years and countless opportunities to practice and children haven’t, so positively reinforcing those moments when they are able to self-regulate is key.”