Facing the realities of retirement

Retirement brings big changes to life. Many are exciting, but what if retirement isn’t all you dreamed of?

“Sometimes people get to retirement and think it’s supposed to be this big, magical time and it doesn’t deliver,” says Jon Gubbe, LICSW, a mental health professional with MultiCare Behavioral Health – Older Adult Services in Puyallup. “It is what you make it, but it’s also important to reconcile and be realistic.”

Why is retirement so hard?

As a teenager, your identity was likely built around your family, friends, hobbies and what you wanted to do with your life.

Fast-forward and your job or career often becomes an essential part of who you are, explains Gubbe. Retirement forces you to reevaluate the identity you’ve held for so long.

“There’s a loss of our sense of purpose and meaning because our jobs take up so much of our time, and hopefully we found purpose in (them),” Gubbe says. “Now we’re wondering what’s the point in my day … we’re feeling lost and not sure how to make use of that.”

Combine that loss of identity with changes to your daily routine, absence of grown children who have left the home, new financial challenges, and feelings of isolation and boredom, and it’s no surprise that many people struggle with their mental health in retirement.

Make the most of this phase in life

“Like it or not, we need structure in our day, and jobs do that for us,” Gubbe says. “When that gets taken away, there’s initially a honeymoon phase, but that eventually fades and after a month or two you may feel bored or lost.”

You may lose the habits you once had — you don’t eat as regularly, you skip workouts or your hygiene practices fall to the wayside, he explains. For so long, your days were built around your work schedule, and when that’s gone, you may find the days slipping away from you.

You have to figure out what to do with your time, Gubbe says.

“Being open to new experiences is easier said than done,” he adds. “But there are a lot of other people in this phase and you have to find them. If you’re all just staying home, nothing will change.”

Is there something you want to learn, like the guitar? Find a group lesson. Do you want to travel? Check out what the world has to offer. Have you looked into volunteering for local organizations or signing up for events at a senior center to meet people with a common interest?

Leaning into your personal connections is also key to avoid feeling isolated or lonely. Other new retirees haven’t done this before and don’t know what to do either, Gubbe says.

Check in with your partner or spouse to make sure you’re on the same page with retirement, he adds. If you want to travel and they want to focus on local activities, you may need to find a middle ground or a group to join.

Set yourself up for success

Planning for your retirement should start sooner rather than later. Decide how you want it to look and take steps for a smooth transition. Consider:

1. Finances: Life can throw you financial curveballs, and as medical needs increase in older age, living on a fixed income can become even more stressful, Gubbe says. Set realistic financial goals or, if you’re pre-retirement, meet with a financial planner to set up the lifestyle you want.

“When people think about retirement, a lot of it comes down to money,” Gubbe says. “Do you have enough to do the things you want to do? For a lot of people, they do and that’s great, but there’s also a large portion that don’t, and it can be frustrating to not be able to do the things you were hoping to.”

2. Soft retirement: If you can, start adding some of those retirement activities into your schedule before you leave the workplace, Gubbe says.

Or consider slowly reducing your work schedule to half-time so you can start finding balance in your days and figuring out how you want to fill them.

3. Preventive mental health: Rather than waiting for the stress and sadness to hit after the honeymoon phase of retirement, Gubbe encourages everyone to check in with their mental health sooner rather than later.

Especially if you’re someone who has built so much of your schedule and social interactions around work, you may benefit from counseling before and during the retirement transition, he adds.

Just because you’ve made it this far in life without mental health support doesn’t mean you have to face this change alone.

4. Giving yourself grace: You’ve never retired before, so it’s all going to be brand new for you, Gubbe adds.

Society has set a sort of standard for retirement — traveling the world or doting on grandkids, Gubbe explains, and it’s easy to feel like you’re not doing it right. Whether you retired by choice, were let go or ended your career early for health reasons, everyone’s situation is different and how you respond is personal.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help or even just someone to connect with, Gubbe says.