Speaking to children about race: Advice from a pediatric mental health expert

Some parents may feel uncertain about when and how to talk with their children about race. What age is appropriate? What if your child has questions you don’t know how to address? How much detail should you go into?

While it may feel uncomfortable at first, proactively having open, honest, developmentally appropriate conversations with children about race and social justice is critical. There is no one-size-fits all approach to these discussions; however, the following guidelines can help you explore these concepts with your family in productive ways.

Why talking to your children about race is important

Socialization is how children learn about race and ethnicity. These messages include things said and unsaid, things done and undone as well as emotional reactions. Parents and family members are the first models regarding important concepts of race and equality.

Conversations about race should not be avoided, as racial and ethnic socialization is constantly occurring in a child’s life. When participating in these conversations, children have an opportunity to learn respect for all groups, to better understand their own race and that of others, and to respond appropriately and supportively during racially charged situations.

Teach, model, ask and listen

Normalize talking about race by sharing with your child that it’s an important topic. When parents avoid talking about differences and discrimination, children learn that the topic is taboo. When talking about racism, parents should provide truthful information as well as acknowledge that racism exists and must be addressed.

It is important to model acceptance and compassion because children will take their emotional cues from significant adults in their lives. Language that is developmentally appropriate is important so that children can understand and apply what they are learning. Parents should teach children to question statements that are stigmatizing, not factually supported or overgeneralize qualities or attributes of an entire group of people.

When sitting with your child, a good place to start is asking what they know. Correct misinformation and keep asking questions. Learn about situations children have been a part of or have witnessed. What happened? Why do they think the events are happening? What is the issue? What does it mean to your child? How would they like things to change? How might they act, seek support or support others in this situation?

Meet them where they are

Children enter the conversation about race at different stages, but they begin to understand similarities and differences from a very young age. Once you understand what your child knows, lean into and build upon the conversation. Listen to feelings. Explore misconceptions and inaccuracies.

With very young children, it may be necessary to enter dialogue simply by discussing differences among human beings. These may include hair color, eye color and skin color, among other attributes. Focused conversations with children 3 to 5 years old should focus on acknowledging and celebrating differences. Activities may include reading books about various cultures and ethnic groups, playing multicultural music and trying multicultural foods.

School-aged children are more in tune to racial and ethnic differences and are likely to begin noticing when individuals are treated unfairly. To enhance appreciation and celebration of race and culture in school-aged children, read books highlighting the beauty of all people, both those that explore heritage and culture similar to your own as well as that of others. Encourage curiosity about and comfort with differences, as opposed to anxiety and fear. Take trips to heritage museums and teach important facts about culture and race.

Parents should also acknowledge that people may judge others based on skin color (or other differences). Offer guidance and direction about the concepts of “fairness” and “justice.” Begin to discuss the impact that positions of power may have. Encourage children to speak up and seek support from you and other safe adults when they or others have been treated unfairly.

For adolescents and teens, continue the dialogue about race; discuss how your teen and others have been treated in various situations. Discuss strategies for speaking up when someone is being harassed, bullied, unfairly treated or blamed. Discuss how it would feel to be blamed unfairly by a group or association and what the long-term impact of that might be. Explore fears of speaking up and consequences of remaining silent.

Keep having conversations

Children need time to think and process. Revisiting the topics of race, justice and current events helps keep lines of communication open. Discrimination and racism are long-standing issues and our conversations must be frequent. For some children, this may be one of the first times they have truly considered the concept of racism. It’s important that they be made aware that racism has existed for centuries.

In the context of protests, such as those that occurred following the death of George Floyd in 2020, first, get an understanding of how your child feels — scared, angry or anxious? Explain why the protest is happening and that most are peaceful. Focus on the fact that the majority of people (more than 75 percent of Americans) want to create a more fair and just system for Black Americans and other individuals of color.

Then, keep talking. When children notice differences between themselves and others, talk about it. A five-minute chat in the car can make a big impact on your child’s understanding of justice and race dynamics.

Take action in your community

Your children may want to act for justice. Applaud their sense of fairness and help channel that energy toward actions that are age and ability appropriate.

Here are some ideas:

• Use art. Kids can’t always express themselves though words. Use watercolors inside and sidewalk chalk outside to draw images for justice. Convey emotions like love, peace and friendship. For children who can write, consider making signs they can put up in their bedrooms or in prominent places in your home.
• Talk to family and friends about how to work toward social justice in your community. Some ideas might include more inclusive playground play, craft projects and conversations with classmates about race and justice.
• Continue speaking up and speaking out. Encourage children to call attention to acts of racism when they encounter them. Using words like “please stop” and “please use kindness” can be a great place to start.
• Be mindful of social media. If your child is active on social media, consider monitoring what they experience so that you can discuss it. Also consider limiting the amount of time your child spends on social media. Despite best intentions, the number of messages on social media can be stressful and overwhelming, potentially leading to anxiety and depression.

Most of all, recognize that you’re standing in the doorway of opportunity. You can shape your child’s understanding of race and justice while helping them navigate the complexity of our culture. You are not expected to have all the answers, but you are the example that your child will follow.

Step into this opportunity and take every available moment to demonstrate kindness and advocate for each individual’s right to be treated with fairness, dignity and respect. You and your child will benefit, and so will our world.

Help provide access to care and support for all children by making a donation to Mary Bridge Children’s Foundation.

Editor’s note: This article was originally published in June 2020 and updated in February 2022.