Talking to our children about distressing events

Often in our current world both news and social media offer information that’s concerning and incredibly distressing, from families struggling to meet basic needs to political unrest, protests, shootings and other tragedies.

Managing distress related to this unrelenting stream of events in our nation can be challenging for adults and children. Parents may struggle with how to talk to their children when overwhelming events take place and are shown in the news and on social media. Below are a few suggested guidelines to support our youth.

Approaching conversations

When sitting down to have conversations with your child, remember that your adult perspective on events is likely different from how your child is processing what they’re seeing. Approach any conversation with respect to your child’s age, development and individual need for information.

Young children need to know they are safe. They may wonder why adults are distressed. Their world is understood through the lens of their own internal perspective, and offering a lot of additional context may not always be helpful. In some cases, it may even add to their anxiety. It’s important to allow your child to set the pace.

Start by asking open-ended questions related to events and check in about feelings: “Have you seen the news?” “What do you understand about what’s happening? How are you feeling?” “Are you and your friends talking about the news at school?”

Listen to your child’s response and provide answers to any questions while correcting any misinformation. One- to two-sentence answers to questions are generally recommended, which allow your child to ask the next question as a signal that they’d like more information.

It’s OK if conversations are brief; check in within a few days about how your child feels about the conversation and whether they have additional questions. This reinforces that you respect your child’s boundaries while showing you remain available to talk at a later time.

Provide concrete information that’s relatable to your child. For example, when discussing a protest that becomes violent, you might say some people are feeling very upset and angry and wish to express their anger, but — while it’s important to speak up and advocate for what’s important to our beliefs — destroying property, harming others or eliciting violence is never OK.

Older children may be able to relate more of the information they’re seeing to the broader world around them. They may be more observant of their parents’ emotions and need to understand or discuss why this is distressing at home.

It’s important to not avoid conversations with older children. When information is missing, children may fill in gaps inaccurately, which can lead to increased stress and worry. Ensure that children have key messages about their safety and the safety of their family and loved ones, and continue to check in about how they’re feeling. You are your child’s safe harbor, and they will take cues from you.

Teenagers will not only be interested in sharing their views on what’s happening, but may also be interested in taking action. Opportunities to advocate might include simple conversations with others, virtual community forums and events, discussions at school and within the classroom, and advocacy at a legislative level through phone calls or letters.

An opportunity for learning and teaching

While distressing and worrisome, events happening now in the world provide opportunities for parents to discuss strategies for negotiating conflict. Though challenging and difficult to understand at times, differences of opinion are common. We will not always agree with those we encounter. Those with alternative perspectives reveal opportunities for learning, healthy self-reflection about our own internal beliefs, and the chance to advocate and take action for what we feel is right.

Anyone with a teenager will relate to the fact that heated discussions about ideas and beliefs, while stressful, also pose opportunities for growth. Consider what you wish your child to understand about your own beliefs and how to negotiate differences with friends and peers in ways that are safe, nonviolent and meaningful in impacting positive change for all in our community.

Managing stress

We are all dealing with increased stress and will have individualized ways of expressing that stress. Our children will not only notice our stress but also have their own response to what they’re witnessing. General guidelines to promote healthy stress management include monitoring both TV and social media exposure, reassuring children about safety at home and within the community, helping them focus on what they can and cannot impact and control, and enhancing daily structure.

Our nation feels very unpredictable right now. Both adults and children will find comfort and solace in familiar routines and patterns that can increase our sense of predictability. Rest, exercise, time with loved ones and the occasional retreat into distraction are not only helpful but important in restoring ourselves. And when children feel the need to act and do more to support others who are struggling in the world, opportunities abound to engage in acts of service and kindness and can help children feel empowered that they’re working to make the world a gentler place.

Additional mental health resources for kids and teens are available at Kids’ Mental Health Pierce County.